Tuesday, November 18, 2008

A Conversation About Profoundness in Chalk





Okay... I know the title's a bit of a mouthful, but I promise... it'll make sense in the end.






The following is an excerpt from my novel, The Conversation... It's based in New York, about six friends who talk more or less continuously in a West Village CoffeeHouse.






Yes, I know that's the premise of the show Friends. It's my all-time favourite show, and this is my homage' to it's genius...






Anyway, I thought this one was particularly funny... And that's not me bragging. it's funny, because of Bart Simpson...












A Conversation About Profoundness in Chalk



Tyler- I did not see Elvis.

Dawson- They are laughing at me, not with me.

Tyler- I will not yell “Fire” in a crowded classroom.

Dawson- I will not encourage others to fly.

Alyssa- Hey guys. What are you–?

Caleb- Ssh!

Tyler- I will not get very far with this attitude.

Dawson-
I will not hide behind the Fifth Amendment.

Veronica- But, what are you–?

Caleb- I told you to shut up!

Adrienne- Why?

Tyler-
I will not prescribe medication.

Caleb- They’re battling. Now be quiet.

Dawson-
I am not authorised to fire substitute teachers.

Alyssa- Battling with what?

Caleb- Bart Simpson chalkboard quotes.

Adrienne- You’re kidding.

Tyler- There are plenty of businesses like show business.

Adrienne- You’re not kidding.

Dawson-
Five days is not too long to wait for a gun.

Veronica- What are Bart Simpson chalkboard quotes?

Tyler-
Cursive writing does not mean what I think it does.

Dawson- I do not have power of attorney over first graders.

Caleb- If I tell you, will you shut up?

Veronica- I’ll promise to think about considering it.

Tyler- I did not learn everything I need to know in kindergarten.

Dawson- A fire drill does not demand a fire.

Caleb- It’s the lines Bart’s teacher makes him write on the chalkboard as punishment at the start of every Simpsons episode.

Tyler- I did not invent Irish dancing.

Veronica- No!

Dawson-
Rudolph’s red nose is not alcohol-related.

Caleb- Yes!

Tyler-
I will not demand what I’m worth.

Veronica- And they know these off by heart?

Dawson-
I was not the inspiration for Kramer.

Caleb- Apparently.

Tyler-
“The President did it” is not an excuse.

Alyssa- This is what you guys do when we’re not here?

Dawson-
Hillbillies are people too.

Caleb- Yeah.

Tyler-
Grammar is not a time of waste.

Adrienne- Sad.

Dawson-
It does not suck to be you.

Veronica- How many are they on?

Tyler-
I have neither been there, nor done that.

Caleb- I dunno. Like a million!

Dawson-
Pork is not a verb.

Adrienne- Are they even listening to us?

Tyler-
Class clown is not a paid position.

Caleb- Doubtful.

Dawson-
Substitute teachers are not scabs.

Tyler-
My suspension was not “mutual”.

Dawson-
Teacher was not dumped. It was mutual.

Alyssa- This is actually pretty impressive.

Tyler-
I was not touched “there” by an angel!

Veronica- Oh, God!

Alyssa- Okay… some more than others.

Dawson-
I cannot hire a substitute student.

Tyler-
I will not obey the voices in my head.

Adrienne- I’ll never understand boys.

Dawson-
I will only provide a urine sample when asked.

Tyler-
The nurse is not dealing.

Veronica- After this, would you want to?

Dawson-
The hamster did not live a “full life”.

Tyler-
Genetics is not an excuse.

Adrienne- Got that right.

Caleb- Shh!

Dawson- I am not Charlie Brown on acid.

Tyler- This school does not need a “regime change”.

Veronica- Nothing is sacred anymore.

Dawson-
Over forty and single, is not funny.

Tyler-
Global warming did not eat my homework.

Alyssa- What the hell is next?

Dawson-
I will stop phoning it in.

Veronica- We can hope…